"I've never seen him so emotional" said one aide close to Harper.  "I mean when he published that letter about how much Pierre Trudeau sucked in the National Post on the weekend when Justin and the family were burying their father, he was so happy.  It was great to see him smile, but this is just worrying."

"No one should drink that much milk" added a party economist, "it supports supply management economics.  We tried to destroy that so corporations could own everything, including all agriculture."

Upon hearing this, Harper could be heard to inhale and sob deeply, perhaps wheezing, "we could have sold it all!"

Friends and former colleagues of Stephen Harper could not be reached for comment due to lights out hours in the nation's federal penitentiaries.