Stephen Harper Reportedly Just Listening to Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory" on Repeat, Drinking Milk Recklessly
"I've never seen him so emotional" said one aide close to Harper. "I mean when he published that letter about how much Pierre Trudeau sucked in the National Post on the weekend when Justin and the family were burying their father, he was so happy. It was great to see him smile, but this is just worrying."
"No one should drink that much milk" added a party economist, "it supports supply management economics. We tried to destroy that so corporations could own everything, including all agriculture."
Upon hearing this, Harper could be heard to inhale and sob deeply, perhaps wheezing, "we could have sold it all!"
At press time Stephen started dropping F-bombs and smashing plates. "Ah, there's our Stephen" said one of Harper's closest associates.
Friends and former colleagues of Stephen Harper could not be reached for comment due to lights out hours in the nation's federal penitentiaries.
"With this change of direction, I hope the world can move on, confident that FIFA is making the necessary changes to turn the organization around. One certainly need not commence any background checks on our new president, but can rest assured that he does in fact exist."
At time of printing, the whereabouts of Sepp Blatter and his bank accounts are not currently known.
When pressed for further comment, a FIFA spokesman said, "if you want buffoonery and dirt, why not head down to PJ O'Brien's on Monday June 15th at 9:30pm to see Jeff Grable perform!"
Details on the Gigs page.
TORONTO - In an exciting new joint venture with Fisher-Price, Blackberry today announced the surprise release of the new Blackberry Chatter - a smartphone designed to appeal to the public's nostalgia for great phones from their past. The Blackberry Chatter is in some ways, a throwback to the heyday of the telephones of yesteryear, but Blackberry insists users will give up nothing in return for the comfort of home.
Press release follows.
The smartphone you trust, with the nostalgia you love.
It takes more than fast thumbs and a stone cold focus to stay on top of your inbox and the day’s priorities. BlackBerry® Chatter is the ultimate communications tool.
We heard you, and we built it.
Local unknown comic Jeff Grable decided to hitch his wagon to the Jian Ghomeshi affair, after seeing that associating oneself with the former CBC radio host and writing self-serving, self-aggrandizing diary entries in online media is all the rage amongst non-celebrities in the independent arts scene.
"Its a fantastic way to back-door the notion that your theatre-emptying one man show, book-pulping novella, or atonal screech band is at the same level of public regard as an internationally successful CBC radio host" said media consultant Steve Henry, who is made up and works for Ideafantasy, a PR firm that is also made up.
"Jian Ghomeshi, both his face in social media feeds, and his name in search engine queries, should drive traffic upwards to a given author's overwrought-plea-slash-forced-anecdote and introduce people to the concept that this nobody self-appointed member of the 'intelligentsia' is someone to take seriously, like Jian."
When asked if the association was a risky one, given the nature of the allegations, Henry said, "Hey - this is a strategy for bottom of the barrel nobodies; we wouldn't advise Colm Feore or Gord Downie to attempt this, but for a nobody comedy hack like Jeff Grable, the extra attention is worth the muck that might stick."
"Besides," added Henry, "hope floats in a bucket of scum."
Jeff Grable appears at Russell Roy's Cheap Laughs at PJ O'Brien's -- Monday, November 10th at 9:30pm. Details on the gigs page.
"Hey - don't put my name on that page!" said Russell.
I can however be reached for comment - at Russell Roy's Cheap Laughs - Monday June 16th, 2014. 930pm - no cover, I'd love to see you come out - it's a great show!
The fun kicks off on Monday, March 3, 2014, at Russell Roy's Cheap Laughs at PJ O'Brien's, when one of these acts will perform. Details on the Gigs page.
When asked for comment on how they decided the number of retirement shows to perform, Cher said, "I wanted it to be a power of two."
You got Implausible Cartoon Arms Dealer. You are the 24th male in your family line to bear your name, and laird of a Scottish clan. In your youth you started M.A.R.S. Industries, a weapons manufacturing syndicate, seeking to tap into man's seething hatred of man, and turn it into a billion dollar revenue stream. You wear a mask made of beryllium steel, a family heirloom originally bestowed upon your kin as a punishment by Oliver Cromwell but now passed down to each generation and worn with pride as a symbol, indeed birthright, of your family. In any conflict, be it a petty dispute among friends or tense hair-trigger posturing between global superpowers, you attempt to escalate, bring it to a boil, and create a situation where your dealing to both sides can improve your position, influence or wealth. You are hopelessly in love with the daughter of European aristocrats, a violent, cold woman with no redeeming characteristics. Your sense of honour, coupled with your lack of empathy, ultimately limit your power and influence to that of a supporting actor on the world stage.
It's time to drop the charade and embrace your true destiny.
This show is for people who love Rob Ford, for people who hate Rob Ford, and for people who are indifferent to Rob Ford. Also vegans.
So come on out and bring a friend. Clothing optional.
Details on the Gigs page.
Hey peeps I'm up tonight at Russell Roy's Cheap Laughs Monday at PJ O'Brien's, 9pm. Details on the Gigs page.
SWANSEA - ER... WALES? -- Big news out of little Swansea, with Alvaro Vazquez bringing much needed Latin names (two of them) with him to the team, subject to international clearance.
In typical Welsh fashion, Vazquez is in try-and-buy mode - a season long test drive, then if Swansea City are not at the bottom of the league tables and relegated, well, who knows, right? Sources expect Vazquez to be returned for full refund at season's end, citing "fit".
Vazquez previously played for Espanyol - a team that incorrectly spells the French word, "Espanol" and "Getafe" a team which -- at time of writing -- may or may not exist or have anything to do with a similar sounding deposed former dictator of Libya. He is a unique striker for Swansea, having not one but two zeds in his last name, suggesting much zig-zagging on the field.
Vazquez joins Swansea from the Spain under-21 winning team, which should bring healthy levels of over-confidence to a team, that if we are being honest, needs all the delusional thinking it can get. Vazquez was also tied for first in scoring at the 2011 under-20s, a record not likely to be seen again while playing for Swansea. In his most recent time in La Liga,Vazquez chalked up 14 goals, a feat which Swansea hopes to do as a team in the upcoming two seasons.
Vasquez's salary is said to give previous top salary players, disco group Bony M a run for their money, as well as last season's top scorer, Quebec singer Michu.
Previous Swansea City Greats.
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